"I believe, help my unbelief"--the battle for faith

You know, “faith” is a funny thing. Like Peter, one minute I am walking on water, the next I am sinking down into it. One minute I am declaring, “You are the Christ.” and the next, I am rebuked, “Get behind me, Satan.” One minute saying, “I will never fall away from you.” The next, weeping after having denied Him three times.

Yesterday Andrew and I fasted about the matter of whether to have more children or not. While God was very direct in the answer with Andrew (mostly because it is never a matter of faith with Andrew, just guidance), He intentionally did not give me an answer. He told me I was too emotional. (Proof that God really does know me through and through.) But what He did say to me was, “Trust me.” We had a long discourse about why I don’t and in what areas I am scared to believe that He really is good. He reminded me of His abundant goodness in my life, and I had to admit He really is good.

I think this is my hang-up. My idea of good is not at all God’s idea. My idea (if I am truthful with myself) is that he will protect me from harm, from pain, from things I dislike, and from asking me to go against my own plans and desires. Even as I write this, I know that is not truth. But, in my inner desires, in my inner thoughts, that is what I believe is “good”. And when God asks me to go against what I find to be in my best interest, I begin to think He is not a good God at all. He is not the One I can trust.

Now, for God’s idea of good:
For me to be conformed into the image of Christ. Period.
Christ’s life was characterized by pain, by suffering, by giving up his own desires to follow the will of His Father.
Today, I am “convinced” my Father is good. I am convinced He is for me and not against me. I believe He loves me. I believe I can trust Him. But, that is today… tomorrow, we will see.